Sunday, December 9, 2012

Give Me A Nickel

I am positively vibrating with ideas and stories to share at this moment. Buzzing!

I have been sick the past two or three days, just an inconsequential runny nose and sore throat but it has taken it out of me! So after napping most of the day I have come to this computer or some activity other than snoozing and enjoying literary genius! Now I am on my second round of listening to the Valjean quartet singing Bring Him Home. "Let him rest, heaven blessed." Oh my heart responds to Colm Wilkinson as if he is my grandfather. I have gotten in many arguments about the true Valjean and I am sticking to my guns, it is Colm Wilkinson, he is Jean Valjean, he wears the plagued, humble role so handsomely. But there is a new Valjean that is entering the scene quite soon here, Hugh Jackman. And I will say I am satisfied with their choice! The film representation of the Musical Les Miserables is coming out Christmas Morning and you can bet your bottom dollar that Jenny and I will be there! I sincerely believe that there will not be a more irrevocably changing, and ethereally magnificent film made in my lifetime. I can stop going to see movies after this one!

Next thought, as I sit here, I am desiring a shorter hair cut again. There is that short haired flame flaring up again! It also might be the perfect missionary haircut.

Song is the passage for our soul to rear its head back and laugh in jubilation.

There is a miracle named tissues with lotion in the tissue itself!

And what a gift is it to live, love, laugh, cry, rejoice, grieve, and to let yourself truly experience every priceless moment as it comes, to not think about living just to merely live!

Saturday, October 6, 2012

My Heart Sings Forth

Despite all my thoughts previously as to where my heart would carry me in this very wide world, they have been redirected. Transported and focused on something so entirely new and wonderful that I cannot entirely grasp it yet.
In less than a year, I will be serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, a mission. A full fledged, my heart, might, mind and soul all directed into preaching the gospel. Miraculous.
Still processing it.
The Extraordinary part is that, all my friends will be joining me in it! As soon as President Monson announced that boys can leave on their missions at age 18 and that young women could leave at age 19, I received texts from Libby, from Easton, after conference I got a call from Rachel, and another text from Taylor. Libby ecstatically texted me telling me that she is in shock that I will be leaving for a mission next summer, this summer in essence. What she put was, THHHHHHISSSSS SUMMMMEERRRRRRRR! Hard to believe and yet my heart is so overfilled with joy at the mere mention of the fact that I can serve a mission. But one of the very most beautiful aspects is that Rachel McCloskey and Easton Madsen, my two sweet friends who I can count as some of my very closest will be leaving at the exact same time as me. We will be united in our common goal of serving a mission for our Savior, and can prepare, study, learn and work on becoming the missionaries our Father in Heaven would have us be, together. Rachel called me afterwards and we excitedly discussed this fact for about twenty minutes, her focus was shot at ACT prep after a girl announced that in the middle of the class. All she could think was, I could go on a mission.
And, that is all I can think about. A mission. And me. I feel so strangely ready, and it fits the puzzle of my future so well that I cannot help but think secretly Heavenly Father had even me in mind when He informed our prophet, Thomas Monson, about the age change.
So here is the new life outline, one that tickles my toes and my nose.
1. Graduate, a very important step
2. Go to Wales, hopefully, for that month and a half
3. Return
4. Leave on a mission
All of this will be done this upcoming summer, can you believe it? I almost cannot and yet the idea is nestling so firmly into my heart that I cannot believe that I did not know it all along.
I want to write a brief poem, just because that is all I can think of!

Learn what it means to hold 
to be bold
enough
to teach the secrets of truth
to reveal the ways to soothe
the soul
To be out there, smiling at the new langauge
engaging it in its way
and handing to others the key to 
happiness

A rough poem, but thats the best that it is going to be, I suppose! I have always known I wanted, no, that I would serve a  mission and knowing that it is so close causes me to want to strive for so many different things! Whatever way the wind blows now I think that I can know what it is I need to begin with, and that is a start, would'nt you say?
Just saying, it will be 285 days until I go on my mission.
 

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

MarcBeWinEd. Be Still My Heart.

The funny substance of daydreams winds around our brain stem, (funny thought), but I find my day dreams taking me to far off places, or to, funnily and sadly enough, hospital rooms, or to writing a long winded letter to the moors of Iceland. The magic of day dreams is that every now and then, if you are lucky enough, they come into the light of day as a truth, a fathomable event, that you can cup in your hands, as cool and refreshing as pooling water. As tangible too.
I love time. Its fickle essence. I love that I can lend to others my time, and how often they appreciate with a flash of their smile, sweet, nutritious words, and an invitation back again. But I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity soon to spend some time of mine with four beloved men. Even pondering that my daydream could fall from the linings of space and into my life gives me such silly giddiness that I shake as I type this. I, and my dearest Taylor Ann, conquered the unquestionable and will be going to the much coveted event in Salt Lake City at Saltair, we will be attending a Mumford and Sons concert.
True Story, bro.
In any other circumstance I would not even consider saying something like that, but, I am a little different in the face of this event.
Marcus Mumford just got married this summer, he is touring with a wife at home, what an artist.
Winston Country Marshall has a beard that is so awe inspiring that I have considered awarding him a medal of mere accomplishment of growing something so legendary.
Ted Dwayne is still wearing the rogueish smirk of a bad boy in a smashing outfit.
Ben Lovett, the most darling of them all with his kind eyes and extraordinary musical talent, though others would undermine it, and his heart throb ways.
Thank you for forming a band, for being musicians, for changing my life.
Thank you Taylor, for holding a lemonade bake sale for the anxiously engaged cause, for sacrificing your hand to the god of burning lamps, and your never ending persistence in accomplishing a dream.
I am going to the Mumford and Sons concert. Bah!

Friday, June 29, 2012

June 28: Old Man and the knobbly knees

The fact that I personally feel that I have never seen a man so beautiful or heart touching may be concerning to a few, but, alas, it is true. I am enamored by him, in the sense that I find him to be a perfect specimen of living.
a. He has a sweater on, a subtly fantastic sweater.
b. Waves crash with shuddering power behind him and he stands impervious yet invigorated by the raw magnitude of this storm.
c. He reminds faintly of Ghandi.
d. Where is his gaze wandering? It is captured by something greater than this storm that is threatening to engulf him, and his expression is that of awe. Perhaps he has spot a far off winged angel, addressing the storm with her own cries, and he smiles at her jubilation in the face of a terrifying exploit of mother nature.
e. A survivor of life. And one day we will relate all his glories of living, when I get to know him in Iceland.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Swedish Sweaters for the Sojourning Sage

I love alliteration, the steady repetition of friendly letters greeting each other in a satisfying manner, all saying yoo-hoo, hello lovely, my are you not marvelous? Hence I made the title of this an alliteration, another awe-filled word. But I am also discovering a budding love for the far off country of Iceland, its majestic beauty, makes my heart rear back its head and sing, and also the year round need to be wearing sweaters, another concept that my whole frame yearns for, do not ask me why, for I truly find it unexplainable, my fetish for sweaters. So I will sojourn out of here and travel to that remote world, raise 3 to 4 dogs, have a cat, a few birds, fish, and a ball python, all in a small, perfectly situated cabinesque or cape cod styled house, then I could leave home. Perhaps. Even still I feel that I may just hang around for a little longer before venturing out. For that would be a very big adventure. Marching forth from the place you have grown your heart, and taking those steps that have the pretense of boundless courage but are shivering with fear. Oh dear, still trying to accept it. But I am going to stay here with my friends, those sweet hearts, ah I love them.Yes I will stay for them.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Life in a bottle. Can you imagine? It would be very tight in there, and orbular? I fear I might have made that word up so lets switch it to circular, and if any greater, or atleast larger than your bottle, being had the urge they could plunder and disturb your opaque life. Instead I say we live in a hot air balloon, a sea shell, a piano bench. Life appears in perfect packages ready to take hold of. Every breath deserves a standing ovation for you did it, you took one more gulp of life giving oxygen, you are surviving. In the suburbs and urban villages of Utah, Alaska, Tokyo, anywhere, you live. In a cushioned bed, with a fluffy coach, and art splattered across the walls. We redecorate  moderately and sometimes go for a spree if we would like to live on the edge for a minute. A few of us in a moment of chicanery even jump out of a moving plane for kicks, attempting to fight and make peace with gravity all at once. I do not mind this life of living, I have always thoroughly enjoyed it but every now and then I get a sniff of what it means to survive, and I crave it. For example, the greatest adventurers of our day consciously, and tentatively put their lives on the line and we revere them, we acknowledge their success in surviving to find life. Now how does that work? Well let me tell you a secret. They must be doing the things that scare them the most. As the ever wise Dumbledore once said, "Fear of a name increases fear of a thing itself."And it must for we fanatically fear the most outrageous things and that fear envelops us. But it is learning to cope and address fear, to make it your friend that is the act of valor. Not always fighting it, but accepting it. Make friends with the world about you and she will open her heart you, and who can know what you will find!


 Laugh in the face of danger. Survive. Fight with a will to live. Love. Help someone else to fly.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

To Thine Own Self Be True

Ah, to write again, though mind you I am, regardless, still not writing for fun. I am on an errand of massive proportions to write a depressing, morbid poem for a teacher, two in fact. And I am dragging my feet every bit of the way, and so I turned to this to create an element of fun to help me try to enjoy this poem. See, I am already beginning to feel the urges of love for it.





Unfortunately, that was a joke.

(Break the Snake)

Wooden planks built up coral reefs
Holding a sleeping willow wisp
The moon shuddered down to dark depths in brief
and the Blue Hands that taught us to kiss
Pushed back the silken cords of a delicate nest for rest

I watched him twisting inside the cold, biting net
With salt in the eyes of blooming black rocks
Seagulls cried out into that grey dawn where I met
today. His blue eyes were painted with a tear that mocks
when I last tried to hold an untamed beast.

Sitting, sunken into my rickety silver chair
Breathing sullenly, with savage eyes
He glares at me without a trace of care,
Daring me to to try to even surprise 
him. 
I have only temporarily imposed on him, that will make no difference.

In the oily night, laying frozen in my bed,
I listened to the creature who gnashed his terrible teeth, 
Howled in shivering breaths, and clawed at my door of red.
I could hear him scream and seethe.
I whispered," cry, rooster, cry, for night has devoured my sun."

My lone cottage perched as solitary as a tree
Was shaken that night in its boots
Pans littered the ground, their cries calling out to me,
Rushing out from my barricaded room, holding an old sea root,
I glanced at my swinging, ruby door, and heard the waning calls.

My wild thing was in a dance
Singing curly eared chants
He span with the fervor of an unfortunate romance
Raking hands pine for the chance
To grasp onto more than a small, plain toad.


Finnissimme.  Thank you for suffering through the first poem and now I will offer a poem from one of the masters of art, and whim. Emily Dickinson,
There's a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the weight
of cathedral tunes.

Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
but internal difference 
where the meanings are.

None may teach it anything
"Tis the seal, despair-
and imperial affliction
sent us of the air.

When it comes, the landscape listens, 
shadows hold their breath;
When it goes, 'tis like ht distance
On the look of death.











Saturday, February 18, 2012

Swing low and wide.

"A person is a person, no matter how small."
An excellent quote from the ever wise Dr. Seuss, which tells of the equality of all things living. How do we forget that we all breathe? We all cry? How is it that we can never see someone for who they truly are, but for what they give off? Everyone in the world wants somebody to love and to love in return, someone to listen to them and talk with them. I love those people. Which means I most definitely do love everyone in the world, even though sometimes I slip up and I lose sight of that momentarily and I do not love absolutely everyone and I look at them through tarnished binoculars whose lens are smeared with mud and grease, and they appear dirty and rotten. But, when I pick up clean magnifying glass I am able to see them clearly, see the sad parts that make them act certain ways, revel in their accomplishments and hope to understand their hearts. The world is so very large, it houses billions of people, all different and yet so impossibly the same. I cannot wait to venture out into that expanse of the world and see what it has to offer, and also what I have to offer it! Silly though it may be, I cannot wait to share the life of Earth. Wait, it has already begun. For me, for you and for the Earth. Here in Provo, small and quaint, filled with BYU, life as we know it has successfully and happily begun. No more waiting for a plane to swoop in and announce that the grand race has begun, because I was running before I even knew it!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Carooh, Caraah!

I am astonished with this world, how does this creeping cold arrive so soon and accompany such despondency? These colorful days of fox red leaves, charismatic orange trees, crisp white frosts hugging onto the contours of the dying trees in the morning, chubby white and grey clouds that skitter and amble across the horizon.
I have missed the moon, those meandering nimbulus clouds leave her hidden and shyer than usual. Why do i adore her? Why do i love half the things I do? Perhaps i recognize a kindred, bashful spirit who would rather remain in the sky large and omniscient, never missing a moment of the love that traps the only sanity left on this earth. That and cellos. Those are incredibly sane instruments. Sorry if this seems dreary just because of this chilly, more than a light coat weather i have been locked inside.
I miss the sun. Well he is still around just not with the same intensity from that lovely tilting of our earth. Yesterday as i walked in that falling sunlight, dressed in my grandmothers Scottish woolen sweater that is heavy, itchy and as orange as a lingering fall sunset, i felt that that nippy winterish breezy coming in through the holes of my grandmothers cadmium orange sweater. Me, Atticus and the leaves all were in matching fall attire of all shades of orange and in my heart i pledged my affection to those last remaining beams of sun.
And here i go i would like to pledge my adoration to things of an orange nature:
1. Atticus in his rusty fur coat and with his lighter orange eyes that smile and wink at me underneath expressive doggy eyebrows
2. All red heads, true beauties
3. Pumpkin pie. There is nothing more nutmeg and cinnamon perfect than a large slice of pumpkin pie with a dollop of the fluffiest whipped cream resting on top. Heidi Daniel truly knows how to make heaven in a pie.
4. Pumpkins the originators of all delicious fall foods that rest with jack o' lantern grins on my front porch grinning at me and all passer bys, what lovely bearers of Halloweentide
5. Whenever the color orange is cheerfully reflected from anywhere in the world on a mountain top, from a geranium or marigold, a warm grandmothers sweater, and in the eye of the fire where the warmest flickers of heat are
6. The emotion that accompanies orange, like when my friends smile their sincerest smiles at me, or when i get a true wave back from a certain boy. The color rests within me and accompanies all of Falls affection
7. Sea sponges
8. Not oompa loompas i hate those, i despise those, even more i fear those.
9. And the way that orange and red trees adorn our encircling mountains flaring up their sides with the final goodbyes and bursts of life from our friends the trees.
Sorry Taylor i know you detest the color of orange but it was just one of those days where i just could not deny my true love for the warmth and charisma of orange.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Despondency to Awakening

Though the thought of this terrifies I am going to tell about my insides. About the tumultuous track my heart beats when it reviews certain embarrassing, or wistful moments, or how my stomach growls when it thinks of long fast sundays but the beautiful moments that came with the clarification, about role models that my brain reveres and loves along with my silly heart for the two walk a measured, yet uncontrolled path, hand in hand. Now that we are moving past that odd image.
I used to feel settled. The perfect way to describe it is that i felt like a peach, warm, round, and fuzzy. I was strong, yet patient, I could handle a few more things than at the moment I'm finding I can. This me, the peachy me, usually exists in the summer, I can curl up in the delighted sunshine and read for my own enjoyment (any reading is a joy, whether for by my own choice or not) I can swim, powerfully, slicing through silky, cold green water (for it is never that picturesque blue, Utah water is always green, a little murky) breathing pleased breaths out my mouth while laughing with every wave that laps into my mouth. I lay with friends in the basking of stars eyes, glorifying something larger than a moment, but a light year, maybe more. I am content then.
School soon arrives, and i am swept in cheerful hellos of new subjects and old friends. But it begins to wear on me, boys arrive again, they stay pretty sparse in the summers, and soon rededicate my mind to them. This year, something happened. No, I cannot explain it, but in the time it took for me to spin from Tanner to Taylon, I was lost. Hopelessly so. Yes, other events transferred in that time period as well, but, those days feel like an odd black hole. That black hole ate me, well parts of me, maybe just a limb and an eye. In those few days that it took, a storm that had been gathering burst forth, rocking and heaving me about on its betraying winds, winds which blow resentment, anger, impatience, easy to frustration, sadness. My landscape used to be a soft morning, curved around the edges, not expecting to much from the day except a few flittering crows and a cloud skittering across the horizon. My unambitious expectations were wrong. And so a storm weathers away at the walls of my ribs, waves that had serenely lay, now bubble and churn in unrest. And I am different. I'm sorry if my eyes have cast daggers at you, they are doing so not at your own doing but at my own weakness. I have lost my pledge, I'm looking for it, if found please return. I stopped certain things during this storm, like I said I lost a limb and an eye.


Now, I spend much to much time glancing over my shoulder, looking for her. I even wrote that in my journal, "I found her", but that is not the point of a storm, if you build your (after a hurricane) in the exact style of the original then the next brewing storm that blows through will tear down those cookie cutter walls, and destroy yet again, the shelter. So though I wish for my placid rising sun, I ned to rebuild my walls in a new manner, stronger than before, put in bricks of patience, compassion, love, promise of a new morning. This house will be more grand indeed, but now it is under construction, do not look to closely yet, it is very rough around the edges none to pretty, for i am trying to build up that foundation, those skeleton walls. Soon it will be done, I hope so but I know I cannot construct a home for myself on my own, so i will have to throw away pride, and ask for help. Help always comes unexpectedly, and from obscure hands, but those hands are guided by something greater. For now I am caught in an almost quiet night, but a peek of sunlight will be coming soon, over that horizon over there and I will always keep my eye level with it, never glancing away, also that means that I still have time to build and improve.